every year in the united states alone, 2,077,000 couples makea legal and spiritual decision to spend the restof their lives together -- (laughter) and not to have sex with anyone else.
crash diets before wedding, ever. he buys a ring, she buys a dress. they go shopping for all sorts of things. she takes him to arthur murrayfor ballroom-dancing lessons.
and the big day comes. and they'll stand before god and family and some guy her dadonce did business with, and they'll vow that nothing -- not abject poverty, not life-threatening illness, not complete and utter misery -- will ever put the tiniest damperon their eternal love and devotion. these optimistic young bastardspromise to honor and cherish each other
through hot flashes and midlife crises and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain, until that far-off day, when one of themis finally able to rest in peace. you know, because they can't hearthe snoring anymore. and then they'll get stupid drunk and smash cake in each other's facesand do the macarena. and we'll be there, showering them with towels and toastersand drinking their free booze and throwing birdseed at themevery single time ...
even though we know, statistically, half of them will be divorcedwithin a decade. of course, the other half won't, right? they'll keep forgetting anniversaries and arguing about where to spend holidays and debating -- which way the toilet papershould come off of the roll. and some of them will even stillbe enjoying each other's company when neither of them can chewsolid food anymore.
and researchers want to know why. i mean, look -- it doesn't takea double-blind, placebo-controlled study to figure out what makesa marriage not work: disrespect, boredom, too much time on facebook, having sex with other people. but you can have the exactopposite of all of those things -- respect, excitement, a broken internet connection,
mind-numbing monogamy -- and the thing still can goto hell in a handbasket. so, what's going on when it doesn't? what do the folks who make it all the wayto side-by-side burial plots have in common? what are they doing right? what can we learn from them? and if you're still happily sleeping solo, why should you stop what you're doingand make it your life's work
to find that one special person that you can annoyfor the rest of your life? well, researchers spendbillions of your tax dollars trying to figure that out. they stalk blissful couples and study their every move and mannerism. and they try to pinpointwhat it is that sets them apart from their miserableneighbors and friends. and it turns out, the success storiesshare a few similarities,
beyond that they don't have sexwith other people. for instance, in the happiest marriages, the wife is thinner and better-looking than the husband. obvious. right? it's obvious that this leadsto marital bliss, because women -- we care a great dealabout being thin and good-looking, whereas men mostly care about sex, ideally, with women who are thinnerand better looking than they are.
the beauty of this research, though, is that no one is suggestingthat women have to be thin to be happy. we just have to be thinnerthan our partners. so instead of all that laboriousdieting and exercising, we just need to waitfor them to get fat -- maybe bake a few pies. this is good information to have,and it's not that complicated. research also suggests that the happiest couples are the onesthat focus on the positives.
for example: the happy wife. instead of pointing outher husband's growing gut or suggesting he go for a run, she might say, "wow, honey, thank youfor going out of your way to make me relatively thinner." these are coupleswho can find good in any situation. "yeah, it was devastatingwhen we lost everything in that fire. but it's kind of nice sleepingout here under the stars.
and it's a good thing you've gotall that body fat to keep us warm." one of my favorite studies found that the more willinga husband is to do housework, the more attractivehis wife will find him. because we needed a study to tell us this. but here's what's going on here. the more attractive she finds him,the more sex they have; the more sex they have,the nicer he is to her; the nicer he is to her,
the less she nags himabout leaving wet towels on the bed, and ultimately,they live happily ever after. in other words, men,you might want to pick it up a notch in the domestic department. here's an interesting one. one study found that peoplewho smile in childhood photographs are less likely to get a divorce. this is an actual study,and let me clarify: the researchers were not lookingat documented self-reports
of childhood happiness, or even studying old journals. the data were based entirelyon whether people looked happy in these early pictures. now, i don't know how old all of you are,but when i was a kid, your parents took pictureswith a special kind of camera that held something called "film." and, by god, film was expensive. they didn't take 300 shots of youin that rapid-fire digital video mode
and then pick out the nicest,smiliest one for the christmas card. oh, no. they dressed you up, they lined you up, and you smiled for the fucking cameralike they told you to or you could kissyour birthday party goodbye. but still, i have a huge pileof fake happy childhood pictures and i'm glad they make me less likelythan some people to get a divorce. so, what else can you doto safeguard your marriage? do not win an oscar for best actress.
i'm serious. bettie davis, joan crawford,halle berry, hilary swank, sandra bullock, reese witherspoon -- all of them single,soon after taking home that statue. they actually call it the oscar curse. it is the marriage kiss of deathand something that should be avoided. and it's not just successfullystarring in films that's dangerous. it turns out, merely watchinga romantic comedy causes relationshipsatisfaction to plummet.
apparently, the bitter realizationthat maybe it could happen to us, but it obviously hasn'tand it probably never will, makes our lives seemunbearably grim in comparison. and theoretically, i suppose if we opt for a filmwhere someone gets brutally murdered or dies in a fiery car crash, we are more likely to walk outof that theater feeling like we've got it pretty good. drinking alcohol, it seems,is bad for your marriage.
yeah. i can't tell you anymore about that one because i stopped reading itat the headline. but here's a scary one:divorce is contagious. that's right, when you havea close couple friend split up, it increases your chancesof getting a divorce by 75 percent. now, i have to say,i don't get this one at all. my husband and i have watchedquite a few friends divide their assets and then strugglewith being our age and single
in an age of sextingand viagra and eharmony. and i'm thinking they've donemore for my marriage than a lifetime of therapy ever could. so now you may be wondering:why does anyone get married ever? well, the us federal governmentcounts more than a thousand legal benefits to being someone's spouse. a list that includesvisitation rights in jail, but hopefully, you'll never need that one. but beyond the profound federal perks,
married people make more money. we're healthier,physically and emotionally. we produce happier, more stableand more successful kids. we have more sex than our supposedlyswinging single friends, believe it or not. we even live longer, which is a pretty compelling argumentfor marrying someone you like a lot in the first place. now, if you're not currently experiencingthe joy of the joint tax return,
i can't tell you how to finda chore-loving person of the approximately ideal sizeand attractiveness, who prefers horror movies and doesn't have a lot of friendshovering on the brink of divorce, but i can only encourage you to try, because the benefits, as i've pointed out, are significant. the bottom line is: whether you're in itor you're searching for it, i believe marriage is an institutionworth pursuing and protecting.
so i hope you'll use the informationi've given you today to weigh your personal strengthsagainst your own risk factors. for instance, in my marriage,i'd say i'm doing ok. one the one hand, i have a husband who's annoyingly leanand incredibly handsome. so i'm obviously goingto need fatten him up. and like i said, we havethose divorced friends who may secretly or subconsciouslybe trying to break us up. so we have to keep an eye on that.
and we do like a cocktail or two. on the other hand, i have the fake happy picture thing. and also, my husband doesa lot around the house, and would happily never seeanother romantic comedy as long as he lives. so i've got all those things going for me. but just in case, i plan to work extra hardto not win an oscar anytime soon.
and for the good of your relationships, i would encourage you to do the same. i'll see you at the bar. (applause)
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